i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
