I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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