Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
