Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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