so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
