the condom got lost in my hair
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
