Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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