I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
