I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
