Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
