Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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