Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
