went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so let's talk penis.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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