It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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