There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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