She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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