omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
