What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
