I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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