matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
