Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
