We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
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