If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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