The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
