I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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