The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
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