it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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