Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
