I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
