a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
