I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
