Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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