He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
