What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was like getting head from an anaconda
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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