omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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