i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Randomize
