I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
