a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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