Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
