there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
