it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
