dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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