Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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