Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
