I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
