Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
