your parents love me but you hate me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
