You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
