I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
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