I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
