I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
