I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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