distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
