I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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