you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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