my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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