Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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