Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
