first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
