Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
